Monday, August 4, 2014

Yesterday is what I want

go with the one who can pull us out of ourselves until we are no longer sisters/ or daughters or sword swallowers but, instead,/ women who give and lead and take and want/ and want and want and want,/ because there is no shame in wanting.
-Rachel McKibbens

Yesterday was one of those really great days. The kind where you wake up to rain, after a long suffering drought. The kind where you don't have to call in to work, because it's Sunday and you already have the day off. Lucky you! It was that kind of day where lounging, pancake eating, and overall indulgence was justified. By the end of the day, there was so much to harvest from the garden, we went to visit some friends with an offering of tomatoes, eggplants, corn, basil and watermelon. They were more than thrilled. I cannot say enough for these kinds of days. The rain clouds have evaporated now, and I am sitting in my office without a view of the outside world. I will not be staying in my PJs until noon, or watching juicy Netflix shows, or doodling in my journal. I will be sitting in front of a computer screen, watching the clock tick, and realizing that life is worth more. It is worth everyday being the day you want it to be. It is worth way more than this. 

My memories are full of yesterdays. The days that were full of nature, dancing, and laughter. Those days that I worked on the farms, helping others reach their goals while mine were just being realized. I left it all behind in hopes of reaching my potential. I went through a lot to find out what that is, and I still haven't quite found it. I am still steady with some of my original goals, and one of my biggest is currently being obtained- having a child, a family, a home- as long as all continues to go well (praying deep). There is something amis, though. I have put more value on the money in my bank account than my actually happiness and well being. I have let myself become consumed by the world that I never thought I would step into. Corporate is a bitch, and it will leash you faster than you can run. Like a stray dog, I feel trapped in this cell. I know I can leave whenever I wish, but something is keeping me here. It is the fear. Knowing I am the sole financial provider for this new child of ours. Maybe dad will find a job, maybe we will figure out this home business we have been discussing since our first days of dating. But, now, all we have is the money I make. I know we can figure it out, but it's hard for me to let go. It's a power trip, this knowing I can take care of my own damn self. If I want to buy that pair of pants, I can because it's my money, dammit! But, I would give up all the things just to not have to spend one more day in this hole. 

Maybe some of you can feel me on this, maybe you think I'm being a whinny bitch. Either way, I'd love to hear from you. One day, one day...

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