Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Stepping up

This blog has had many themes, and gone through much transformation alongside my personal life. Because this blog is an extension of me, and I turn to it when I feel the need to express something that is important to me. I do not feel that social media sites such as Facebook are the place for this. Rather, I would like to utilize the space of a blog to write out my thoughts and share my memories, while allowing people to choose whether they are interested in reading. I am not good at promotion for that reason. I feel that when you are seeking something, you will find what you need. Although, I recognize in my own life the many times I was seeking but didn't know where to begin. I would find myself stuck and sometimes lose hope. There have been many times in my life where I simply stopped seeking. Usually, this is when the greatest things seem to just land on my doorstep (or in my inbox, or via voicemail.. you know what I mean). I am beginning to recognize that I need to begin to show up for the world. This blog, and any business I am interested in creating, will not form itself to my comforts. I have to step up and step out and learn to fall down sometimes.

I only have words to share today, and I hope that when this blog one day goes more public, someone will be able to relate to even a portion of what I have shared. Until then, it is simply for my cathartic release.

We have made some progress on the garden front. We have cucumbers, radishes and carrots in the ground. Tomatoes, cucumbers and eggplants ready for transplant. Asparagus has started to sprout, but our greenhouse hasn't held up to the recent cold front. We still need to lay the water line, though thankfully the rain has started (April showers!), so it isn't as much of a concern. More updates and pictures soon!

Thanks for reading,

Monday, March 3, 2014


Much progress is happening in and around my life that will be having a huge effect on this blog. Hopefully this means more posts, greater exposure and readers! The winter brought the slug out of me, and my intentions to be productive flew out the window. But, it gave me the chance to give a good amount of contemplation to what I really want to be doing with this life thing I've been given. Now that Spring is poking it's pretty head through the soil, the progress is starting again. Basically, the gardens are growing and there will be a lot more pickles and jams coming to your screen soon!

I can't wait to show you more, and I can't wait for you to show up so you can see it! 

Monday, October 7, 2013


There is so much going on out there. In the world beyond the screen, out side of our closed and locked doors. There is a great big world, with changing seasons and political tides. There is war. There is peace. There is unrelenting heartache and passions that keep thriving. 

The seasons keep changing. With them, the feel of the air, the colors of trees and plants and flowers. The birds sing different tunes, and fly in another direction. Our energies ebb and flow. And we float on.

There is a lot of fun and joy to this time of year. Obviously, we get to stop sweating as much, and break out the layers. There are also warm drinks, roasted foods, and costumes! There is pumpkin carving (and eating!). There is also solitude, and sometimes heartache. There is a change is how we feel, and a shift into a different way of life. There is making those really hard decisions, but knowing what is best for your life. It's really never ending. There doesn't come that point where you just sit down and say, "okay, glad that's all over with." At least, I don't want it that way. I see how people settle, and become miserable. I don't want to be sick, just because I didn't want to fight the hard stuff. 

So, take a walk, breathe it in, and breathe it out. It's going to be better if you just release your grip a little.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Muffins, y'all

Have you ever experienced a grilled muffin? I almost forgot about them until this morning. Crisp exterior, yet chewy on the inside. And the butter you put on the griddle really makes the most impact, especially when it's that really good grass fed pasture raised stuff (salted, preferably) It's just a delight. I first found out about them when I was living in Austin, TX. My favorite breakfast spot- Bouldin Creek Coffee House served them up. I usually got the triple berry muffin, grilled with Earth Balance, and a side of agave. YUM! I also loved their blueberry cornbread, with a side of soymilk. Or the tofu scramble, or.. that's beside the point! Grill your muffins, y'all.

This week, in preparation for Halloween, as well as the First Friday Costume Walk downtown, I am making costumes for myself and my pups. Mine and Zoon's were easy- Mario and Princess Peach, respectively. Super's is taking a little more effort. He will be...

If you guessed Yoshi, you are correct :) I will be taking pictures of them in costume, of course. So be on the lookout for some major cuteness. I must say, Zoon is adorable in a tutu, and I don't look so bad in a mustache.

Also, my three new roommates/ money guardians. $0.30 each at World Market. What an awesome place! They get in all kinds of trouble around here, but they always keep the money jar safe.

Monday, September 30, 2013

The love you deserve

This past week, as I have been wading through self pity, contemplating the nature of love, and working through my neediness, I have been intently focused on one thing: receiving the love I deserve. Much of my love life has been guided by this one statement. Everyone I have chosen to build that part of my life with in the time we were together, I have asked myself the question in my head, "Are you receiving the love that you deserve?" It all seemed very simple, it the answer was "Heck yeah!" then I knew things were going to be okay. If the answer was, "Ung..not really," then I knew there were some things to resolve. And if I said to myself, "Are you a f*cking idiot? This guy is a shithead," well, obviously I would stick around for a little longer until I could no longer endure the torture and then finally leave his ass, and cry about it into my beer for weeks.
Contrary to the assumption of simplicity in this approach, I have come to understand how very wrong I have been this whole time. Currently, without delving too much into the personal drama of the scenario, my relationship is on the rocks. We have gone through months of naive happiness, without expectation or agendas. As all things must change in order to survive, we are shifting dramatically. The questions of what the future holds, how do we get through this, where has the relationship gone? They are relentlessly knocking at my brain. My heart says stay steady, while my mind lifts off without wings to fly on. I have spent sleepless nights reeling over the scenario in my mind, and ending up puffy eyed as I recognize that I have no answers. Only more questions appear. When I allow my mind to quiet, these are the times I begin to hear clearly what is happening.
On my jog this morning, it dawned on me. It is not about the love that I deserve, but what kind of love I am giving. It has been said in many ways, love is a verb. And it is primarily about giving yourself to someone without expectation. I have not often asked myself if I am giving the love that I am capable of giving, and that the other person deserves. Looking at in from that angle, upside down and inside out, I feel nauseous. You mean, this whole time, the years of torture and heart break, I could have simply thought more about the other person? But, I felt like that was all I was doing. Always thinking about the other person. Where they were, what they were doing.. without me. How we could do more together. How we could love each other more. I wasn't ever giving love in those moments. I wanted more. I became greedy.
It's not going to be easy. It's not going to be one wonderful disney movie romance. Loving another is difficult. You haven't had as much time building your esteem around this relationship as you have concentrated it on yourself. I wonder at times if I need more self-esteem, inward focus time. And then I remember this quote from Eleanor Roosevelt..

"Happiness is not a goal, it is a by-product. Paradoxically, the one sure way not to be happy is deliberately to map out a way of life in which one would please oneself completely and exclusively. After a short time, a very short time, there would be little that one really enjoyed. For what keeps our interest in life and makes us look forward to tomorrow is giving pleasure to other people."

Friday, September 27, 2013

A story told

It feels like the incubation period is complete. I have cracked my shell and am now emerging as new life. This is usually the kind of thing that happens at the end of spring, when the summer sun is warming the ground and days are stretching into infinity. The time when the air chills and the nights are long, is the time I tend to retreat inward. My rhythms have been wacky this year. Perhaps it's all the moving, shifting, bending and breaking. I've started many seeds, and harvested all the fruit. It's a time for cover crops, and I'm back to preservation. Instead of spending another night in tears, I poured my heart into jars of picked okra. Three pounds of the summer fruit produced five quart sized jars. I'm looking forward to my next bloody mary :)

“When you are in the middle of a story it isn't a story at all, but only a confusion; a dark roaring, a blindness, a wreckage of shattered glass and splintered wood; like a house in a whirlwind, or else a boat crushed by the icebergs or swept over the rapids, and all aboard powerless to stop it. It's only afterwards that it becomes anything like a story at all. When you are telling it, to yourself or to someone else.”- Margaret Atwood

And that is why we write.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Justice for all

Brunch at my desk- tortilla with egg, avocado, and tomato and citrus green tea

The first piece of art hung  in my living room, given to me by my beautiful friend

As I sit here, at my work desk, eating my breakfast/lunch, and sipping green tea, I feel invigorated. Life has been shifting and twisting incessantly lately. I have felt bombarded by change, and regret, and constant backlash. It seems like every corner turned is another fence to jump, like I'm running from the law. But, I did nothing wrong, broke no laws. I try my best to follow most rules, though sometimes breaking them in order to form my own. So, maybe it is my own inner law I am attempting to evade. Being hard on yourself can do that. I have been met with this scenario on many occasions. Mostly with myself, but just as often I have seen it in many of my (usually female) friends. Just as I have protested the law on many occasions, and pleaded for justice, I am now pleading that we give ourselves justice. We are entitled to feel the feelings we feel, to make mistakes and pick ourselves up. We are allowed to live our lives the way we see fit, no matter anyones opinion. And we should not apologize. So, I'm protesting, taking a stand. I will no longer give my time, energy, and even money to those things that I use to harm myself. Those thoughts that keep me down, the substances I use to numb me. I will wake up every day to live in love and life. I hope you will all join me in this crusade.