Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Office life looks something like this:

8:05- Walk into office, acting like I'm right on time. Head straight to break room to put away lunch, make coffee, get water.
8:08- Sit at desk, open applications, check email. Delete 95% of email because it is junk.
8:10- Try to look busy for 7 hours and 50 minutes, because I now have nothing to do unless the phone rings.
9:30- Pause from internet browsing/book reading and notice the imminent hunger that is rising from the depths of mine belly.
9:40- After procrastinating for 10 minutes, go to the break room and make some oatmeal. Go back to desk.
9:50- Oatmeal is thoroughly cooled.
10:00- Oatmeal is fully consumed.
10:10- Bathroom break
11:30- Realize that the only thing oatmeal is good for is making my blood sugar crash, therefore I am tragically hungry. Procrastinate until noon.
12:15- Forgot about noon because of an article on the internet that was semi entertaining. Finally eat lunch
1:00- *phone rings* "(Name of company that is too long but I have to say it anyway)(my name)"
"Blah blah..and thats why Im cancelling service...blah suck...bleepblurgh." *hang up*
1:15- Feel the crushing weight of time never moving forward, being forever stuck in the never ending cycle of soul crushing helplessness....
Bathroom break
Funny internet meme makes me laugh internally
3:00- Boss leaves office. I get up and pace, then do some exercise moves that get my heart rate up so that I will feel alive at least once today.
3:30- Back to the desk

Time ticks slowly by.....

4:30- .....
5: o' fuckin' clock- Peace, B*tches!

Monday, August 4, 2014

Yesterday is what I want

go with the one who can pull us out of ourselves until we are no longer sisters/ or daughters or sword swallowers but, instead,/ women who give and lead and take and want/ and want and want and want,/ because there is no shame in wanting.
-Rachel McKibbens

Yesterday was one of those really great days. The kind where you wake up to rain, after a long suffering drought. The kind where you don't have to call in to work, because it's Sunday and you already have the day off. Lucky you! It was that kind of day where lounging, pancake eating, and overall indulgence was justified. By the end of the day, there was so much to harvest from the garden, we went to visit some friends with an offering of tomatoes, eggplants, corn, basil and watermelon. They were more than thrilled. I cannot say enough for these kinds of days. The rain clouds have evaporated now, and I am sitting in my office without a view of the outside world. I will not be staying in my PJs until noon, or watching juicy Netflix shows, or doodling in my journal. I will be sitting in front of a computer screen, watching the clock tick, and realizing that life is worth more. It is worth everyday being the day you want it to be. It is worth way more than this. 

My memories are full of yesterdays. The days that were full of nature, dancing, and laughter. Those days that I worked on the farms, helping others reach their goals while mine were just being realized. I left it all behind in hopes of reaching my potential. I went through a lot to find out what that is, and I still haven't quite found it. I am still steady with some of my original goals, and one of my biggest is currently being obtained- having a child, a family, a home- as long as all continues to go well (praying deep). There is something amis, though. I have put more value on the money in my bank account than my actually happiness and well being. I have let myself become consumed by the world that I never thought I would step into. Corporate is a bitch, and it will leash you faster than you can run. Like a stray dog, I feel trapped in this cell. I know I can leave whenever I wish, but something is keeping me here. It is the fear. Knowing I am the sole financial provider for this new child of ours. Maybe dad will find a job, maybe we will figure out this home business we have been discussing since our first days of dating. But, now, all we have is the money I make. I know we can figure it out, but it's hard for me to let go. It's a power trip, this knowing I can take care of my own damn self. If I want to buy that pair of pants, I can because it's my money, dammit! But, I would give up all the things just to not have to spend one more day in this hole. 

Maybe some of you can feel me on this, maybe you think I'm being a whinny bitch. Either way, I'd love to hear from you. One day, one day...